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Lucas Stone

The current Balsam Farms in Amagansett on New York's Long Island isn't the first Balsam Farms to exist on planet Earth. It turns out that one existed for roughly 3,000 years in East Africa (in current day Ethiopia) 2.5 million years ago (before the shockwaves from an asteroid impact knocked all knowledge of farming out of the brains of every single homo sapien and "we" had to start all over again). Here are 60 famous Australopithecus africani and how that "original" Balsam Farms played a part in each of their lives:

He felt guilty for lusting after his own ancestor.

"Before sticks and stones, man will use name-calling." 

Almost cleared three evolutionary stages. 

A professional daredevil. 

Before fire had even been invented.

A fire-eater.  

Three holes-in-one before the hole, any hole, had even been invented.

A champion golfer.

As he explained, "It'll be dangerous for tools to be left lying around on the ground; an archaeologist millions of years later could trip and get hurt...

I have to do this."

 

An inventor.

 

Most famous for having invented the toolbox.

The others took up farming just to see if he could hit the side of a barn.

 

A hunter.

With notoriously lousy aim.

 

 

.

 

Upon receiving the medal, they got into a fistfight over who would take it home.

 

Nobel Peace Prize laureates.

For having decided to do a "once, twice, three shoot" to

determine who gets to mate with a particular female

rather than have a fistfight.

 

But, hey, at least he died doing what he loved—

wearing a tight, lycra bodysuit.

 

A professional crocodile wrestler.

 

 

Actually, he only wrestled a croc once. He was pinned in five seconds and completely devoured in twenty.

 

 

A journalist.

 

 

For thirty years she wrote a column about politics. Her only rule was that in her column politics is never discussed. It's off limits.

 

An anthropologist.

 

 

A denier of Evolution.

 

 

Exasperated, the anthropologist yelled, "We're all covered in pubic hair! Following the logic of your belief—that we had been created in the image of the Great Creator who had created everything a hundred or so years ago—the Great Creator is covered in pubic hair! Why in the name of the Great Creator would the Great Creator cover himself, or herself, in pubic hair?!" The denier yelled, "I don't know; ask him! Although if you ask me I'd say that'd be pretty impolite. How would you like it if he went up to you and asked you why you were covered in pubic hair?"

 

 

 

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